One reason women of Elliot's era resigned themselves to staying in bad marriages and re-configuring marital suffering as spiritually virtuous is that they likely had few options for divorcing their husbands and living independently. To divorce meant facing ostracism from family, friends, and the church. Social isolation led to spiritual anxiety and second-guessing oneself, no doubt. My understanding is that before no-fault divorce, a case had to be made as to what justified the dissolution of the marriage.This cost money and likely resulted in further social derision. Society looked down on the working woman, often blaming her for husbands' infidelities, and the disparity in pay between men and women plunged women and children into poverty or forced them to marry again, out of desperation and often dangerously.
Actually, as I write this I realize that for women who are not within the 1% and seek divorce today, it's still the same!!
You have a way of pushing past the easy fluff interpretations and ferreting out important kernels of truth. Well done. I enjoy reading your articles; this one was top notch.
Passion and Purity came out when I was in college. It was pushed by all the college ministries as the Bible for dating and marriage. I read it. I hated it. And yet I couldn’t shake her words. And they almost ruined my marriage. I wrote this 10 years ago.
I read three biographies of Elisabeth Elliot this year. Before reading them I only knew about her life as a missionary and marriage to Jim Elliot.
She was born about the same time as my mother. Both Elisabeth and my mother were long-suffering and stoic. Elisabeth kept journals which helps us to understand and know her better. My mother did not. And I know for a fact mother had secrets she withheld from her children. But they were hers to tell or not.
Elisabeth told a friend nine days after her last marriage that it was a mistake. Yet, she chose to stay married. My mother realized her mistake not long after marrying my dad but she chose to stay married.
I am 60. In my life I’ve had many female friends. Women I knew at work, school, church, neighbors, family, volunteer work, and longtime best buds. Most of them have not had or they are not having happy marriages. It’s various reasons. Yet they have chosen to stay in the marriage, also for various reasons. I know a few women and men who are in healthy, respectful, loving relationships but it seems rare.
I think that often times it is difficult for us to understand how past traumas and difficulties can inform our theology and thought.
This is thoughtful and I appreciate how you critique the bad theology while also taking care to understand Elliot and not throw everything she had said into the wind.
Well written! I suspect many of us were deeply (and adversely) affected by certain “spiritual giants” who wrote out of their own pain/prejudice and we felt the (false) guilt and oppression of their message. I was in no way ready for marriage but because I read some of the Christian authors of the day and had attended some “biblical conferences”. I felt maybe I should go through with it. Then I got a visit from the church leadership who told me I had to “keep my commitment” and get married. In the words of Emmylou Harris “I tried hard to love her but it never did take, just another way for your heart to break.” I’m deeply grateful for my children and for what life has taught me along the way so in many ways I wouldn’t change things, except that my underlying guilt and pain caused me to hurt her deeply because I could never be as honest as I should have been. Anyone (including me)who speaks/writes or represents God in any way should realize they bring their own experiences into their message. This is what makes me think being dogmatic about anything spiritual should be limited to the fact that God loves us. Period.
I was raised on Elizabeth Elliott’s books and radio appearances. And I believed what she said up until a few years ago.
Now I view it completely different: I see that she was indoctrinated with patriarchal beliefs (as many women are) that kept her trapped and led to her rationalizing her own suffering at the hands of 3 abusive men/husbands.
The combination of indoctrination plus the lack of ability to leave imposed by so many areas of society (especially religion) is so dangerous.
Most women even today are living with abusive husbands as a matter of financial survival/societal pressure/religious pressure. I have met thousands of women throughout my lifetime and have met only a handful that are in marriages with kind, emotionally healthy men. So sad 😢
I read and reread Passion & Purity as a teen. My church idolized Jim E. and their martyrdom. I never realized how short their marriage was! Anyway, I very much appreciate this and other articles I've read recently. Grace for Elizabeth, grace for young me, grace for those still immersed in that culture.
Outstanding. One editing issue: “The third thing is that this book is that Elliot actually does seem to think that her advice leads to some kind of happiness…”
It appears Elisabeth Elliot was married to a controlling, possibly abusive, third husband. Apparently she knew she had made a mistake and chose to live with it. None of this negates a lifetime of valuable ministry to both women and men, or the concepts in "Passion and Purity."
Years ago I ran across this quote..These are not my own words, and I would gladly give credit but I do not know who originally wrote them.
"Here's the thing about marriage. It's not about you. If you go on thinking that the point of your marriage--or of anything else in this world--is to make you happy, then you will certainly be unhappy. Love is properly directed to the service, not of the self, but of the beloved."
By the way, this goes for both men and women. Doubly so for the Christian, dedicated to the service of our Lord.
Given the choice between Elisabeth Elliot and Liz Charlotte "progressive feminist egalitarian Christian" (according to her bio) Grant, I'll take "Passion and Purity" with any flaws it may have.
One reason women of Elliot's era resigned themselves to staying in bad marriages and re-configuring marital suffering as spiritually virtuous is that they likely had few options for divorcing their husbands and living independently. To divorce meant facing ostracism from family, friends, and the church. Social isolation led to spiritual anxiety and second-guessing oneself, no doubt. My understanding is that before no-fault divorce, a case had to be made as to what justified the dissolution of the marriage.This cost money and likely resulted in further social derision. Society looked down on the working woman, often blaming her for husbands' infidelities, and the disparity in pay between men and women plunged women and children into poverty or forced them to marry again, out of desperation and often dangerously.
Actually, as I write this I realize that for women who are not within the 1% and seek divorce today, it's still the same!!
You have a way of pushing past the easy fluff interpretations and ferreting out important kernels of truth. Well done. I enjoy reading your articles; this one was top notch.
Passion and Purity came out when I was in college. It was pushed by all the college ministries as the Bible for dating and marriage. I read it. I hated it. And yet I couldn’t shake her words. And they almost ruined my marriage. I wrote this 10 years ago.
http://www.cheetosforbreakfast.com/2014/02/it-was-1984-and-i-was-in-college.html?m=1
I read three biographies of Elisabeth Elliot this year. Before reading them I only knew about her life as a missionary and marriage to Jim Elliot.
She was born about the same time as my mother. Both Elisabeth and my mother were long-suffering and stoic. Elisabeth kept journals which helps us to understand and know her better. My mother did not. And I know for a fact mother had secrets she withheld from her children. But they were hers to tell or not.
Elisabeth told a friend nine days after her last marriage that it was a mistake. Yet, she chose to stay married. My mother realized her mistake not long after marrying my dad but she chose to stay married.
I am 60. In my life I’ve had many female friends. Women I knew at work, school, church, neighbors, family, volunteer work, and longtime best buds. Most of them have not had or they are not having happy marriages. It’s various reasons. Yet they have chosen to stay in the marriage, also for various reasons. I know a few women and men who are in healthy, respectful, loving relationships but it seems rare.
I think that often times it is difficult for us to understand how past traumas and difficulties can inform our theology and thought.
This is thoughtful and I appreciate how you critique the bad theology while also taking care to understand Elliot and not throw everything she had said into the wind.
Well said.
Well written! I suspect many of us were deeply (and adversely) affected by certain “spiritual giants” who wrote out of their own pain/prejudice and we felt the (false) guilt and oppression of their message. I was in no way ready for marriage but because I read some of the Christian authors of the day and had attended some “biblical conferences”. I felt maybe I should go through with it. Then I got a visit from the church leadership who told me I had to “keep my commitment” and get married. In the words of Emmylou Harris “I tried hard to love her but it never did take, just another way for your heart to break.” I’m deeply grateful for my children and for what life has taught me along the way so in many ways I wouldn’t change things, except that my underlying guilt and pain caused me to hurt her deeply because I could never be as honest as I should have been. Anyone (including me)who speaks/writes or represents God in any way should realize they bring their own experiences into their message. This is what makes me think being dogmatic about anything spiritual should be limited to the fact that God loves us. Period.
I was raised on Elizabeth Elliott’s books and radio appearances. And I believed what she said up until a few years ago.
Now I view it completely different: I see that she was indoctrinated with patriarchal beliefs (as many women are) that kept her trapped and led to her rationalizing her own suffering at the hands of 3 abusive men/husbands.
The combination of indoctrination plus the lack of ability to leave imposed by so many areas of society (especially religion) is so dangerous.
Most women even today are living with abusive husbands as a matter of financial survival/societal pressure/religious pressure. I have met thousands of women throughout my lifetime and have met only a handful that are in marriages with kind, emotionally healthy men. So sad 😢
I really enjoyed following your thought process here.
I read and reread Passion & Purity as a teen. My church idolized Jim E. and their martyrdom. I never realized how short their marriage was! Anyway, I very much appreciate this and other articles I've read recently. Grace for Elizabeth, grace for young me, grace for those still immersed in that culture.
Outstanding. One editing issue: “The third thing is that this book is that Elliot actually does seem to think that her advice leads to some kind of happiness…”
Laura, this is phenomenal. Thanks for your thoughtful engagement.
Excellently done, as always. Thank you.
Thanks Laura. This was a really excellent read.
It appears Elisabeth Elliot was married to a controlling, possibly abusive, third husband. Apparently she knew she had made a mistake and chose to live with it. None of this negates a lifetime of valuable ministry to both women and men, or the concepts in "Passion and Purity."
Years ago I ran across this quote..These are not my own words, and I would gladly give credit but I do not know who originally wrote them.
"Here's the thing about marriage. It's not about you. If you go on thinking that the point of your marriage--or of anything else in this world--is to make you happy, then you will certainly be unhappy. Love is properly directed to the service, not of the self, but of the beloved."
By the way, this goes for both men and women. Doubly so for the Christian, dedicated to the service of our Lord.
Given the choice between Elisabeth Elliot and Liz Charlotte "progressive feminist egalitarian Christian" (according to her bio) Grant, I'll take "Passion and Purity" with any flaws it may have.